the best chocolate cake ever

i'm cleaning out my closet right now and sorting out which to bring and which to leave. it's hard to decide... there are just some things you can't let go off, despite that you haven't worn or used them in years.

my family had lunch at the block today and discovered the most sinful chocolate cake i've ever tasted. i'm not even that much of a chocolate cake fan, but one bite of this... oooomph! dee-licious! it's from this little restaurant called "the illustrado" beside burgoo. it was a chocolate decandent cheesecake.

bada bing bada boom!

yesterday, at the cemetary, my cousin told me that his girlfriend in ICA studied a past article of mine for 2bu!. he didn't say anything more about it, like for what subject and what they did with it but it warmed the heart knowing that what i wrote before wasn't just mashed up into recycled paper or sandwich bags.

today, we went to the other cemetary early in the morning and then to a kiddie birthday party at the esplanade. it was so traffic, we almost missed it. we had to eat the cold leftovers from the buffet trays and the waiters had to wash some plates because there weren't any left.

ahh family reunions! the party was for the son of my dad's cousin, which meant meeting up with my uber-chinese father-side relatives. which usually meant that if they found out you were still single after your debut, you were fresh meat.

my great-aunt wasn't even subtle. she pulled this guy to our table, and, after exchanging names, she blatantly told me, "o, bigay mo sa kanya number mo! mabait siya, parang anak ko na rin siya."

i was stunned. i ended up giving both of them a pained "oh-my-god-this-is-so-awkward-i-want-to-bury-my-head-in-the-sand-like-an-ostrich" grin.

i think the guy was as shocked and as unprepared for it as i was. i tried to keep it as light as possible by trying casual conversation but it was hard because my great-aunt kept insisting i give him my number--like every 5 seconds. (isn't it supposed to be vise versa?)

the good part is, i saw sam again! she's my adorable little seven or eight-year old distant relative that reminds me of abigail breslin. i first saw her at the airport in hong kong a few months ago. she was thrilled we shared the same name. i was too. then, i found out from her mom that she heads straight to the bookstore instead of toy stores when they're in malls. and that she's shy around people, but once she warms up to you, she will talk nonstop. i loved her already! she's just like me!

anyway... after the party, we checked out our sales in glorietta. the air near g2 still reeked a bit of burning rubber. the whole place was boarded up with white walls. it's like they're renovating a store. it's really sad when you think about all the innocent, unsuspecting lives that were lost because of *ahem* someone's selfish need for a news diversion.

my mom bought a pink angel halo from sm. we plan to wear costume on the 31st while we're at macau. my sister is going to be a vampire. i'm still deciding on being a japanese samurai girl or a blue "playboy" bunny. (or both, like my friend karl suggested. i don't think so it's a bit porn-ish already.) we got into trying out the halloween head gears and did a lot of camwhoring. after makati, we went to landmark, trinoma and then dinner at red crab. i always wear the bibs at crab restaurants since i don't want to spill anything but my mom found it strangely funny because i don't even eat the crab.

so there, long day, long entry. i'm too late to start packing now. will cram tomorrow.

so much to do, so little time

long, tiring day today. i don't want to go into details anymore. the thought of re-running what i did today just makes me even more tired.

my mom and i discussed things with my grandma this afternoon. turns out that she and my uncle were going to visit my other uncle in new york from the 15th-20th so i'll have the house in cali for my own then.

anyway, i kind of wanted to go to new york since i could probably finish the school stuff in a day or two (which i'll be working on immediately after i land on the 11th) but of course, that's already way too much to ask. i'll probably just spend those days in "my" room and arrange/redecorate it so that at least it'll be a little more warm and welcoming come january.

i still have a long way down my to-do list besides fixing all the paperworks. these include:

- learning to cook
- learning basic car repair stuff (let's face it, i wouldn't have a driver checking everything up in the morning there.)
- making a list of EVERYTHING i use everyday from contact lens cleaners to nailcutters to dental floss. every single detail that we wouldn't usually notice because they're always just there. i don't want to miss anything out.
- having an eye check-up
- having a dental check-up and getting new retainers while i'm at it
- packing (which i don't know where to begin with. i'm basically going to squeeze in my entire life in around 4 baggages--2 of which i'll already be leaving there in november--and since i have tons of stuff--heck, my books alone already amount to more than a hundred--i have to choose which to bring and which to leave. my heart aches at the thought of not having my bookshelf with me there, among others.)
- spend some time with as much people as i could manage while i'm here. and returning and retrieving borrowed stuff

... and really, so much more. there's a lot of other little trivial things that i don't have to mention. in a way, it's good i'm going to be preoccupied. it keeps my mind of the fact that i'll actually be leaving the only bubble i've lived in, loved, and grown accustomed to ever since. i don't want to be sad. there'll be plenty of time for that in the future.

hit self-destruct button now

i've been staring at the screen for the longest time now, trying to control all the tears and fears that are threatening to erupt any moment.

silly silly me.

can i seriously do it?

SERIOUSLY?

you know how it is when you want something so badly, when you finally allowed yourself to risk everything and just go for it once and for all? the kind where you either make or break it? the kind where failing is not even an option and you have no plan b or safety net anymore?

i haven't even begun and yet...

i am just. so. scared. of failing. i was so incredibly happy and now, it all just crumbled down. i still want to. almost desperately. because this is it. i know it. i feel it. i'm more sure than i ever did at anything, which is really really something because i'm very undecisive. i've had enough of being undecisive.

i'm gonna clam up from now on. i feel like i'm going to explode.

taking the plunge

i went with my parents to trinoma this afternoon to fix our module display for the pre-opening dry run of landmark. i proudly fixed the jeans display so that you could see the pockets' design from both sides. it's hard to explain with words. anyway, the mall looks great. colorful. the walls look like they're splashed with each brands' personal "grafitti wallpaper".

we ate at zong afterwards. my hot & sour soup had a cockroach in it. i lost my appetite. they didn't even give us a free anything or a discount. i don't think we'll be going back again. at least i was able to eat a bit at angel's birthday dinner after though.

it was so nice to be able to catch up with some high school friends and again. they were, as everyone else would be of course, initially surprised when i told them about my career plans but they said they were really happy and excited for me. aids said that she wasn't that surprised though because she remembered back in high school, i was talking and planning about it. i guess what scared me about pursuing it was because i was afraid of the longtime commitment so i shifted my focus to something i enjoy doing--the artsy creative stuff. still, even if i love fashion and writing very much, it really is just a hobby for me and not a career path.

it's also that people kept saying how the 20's are supposed to be the "peak of our lives" and i wanted to do so much--to pursue my dreams, travel, and conquer the world during that era. but now that i have a lot of free time in my hands, i'm realizing that i don't know what to do and it's not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, like i used to think.

i'm hoping for the best but preparing myself for the worst. it's going to be seriously tough but a lot of people i've talked to about this have been very encouraging, especially my cousins who're going through the same thing. just hard work and time management. they said they could see me going through that in the first place... but i have no regrets. everything that happened in the past happened for a reason. i didn't waste my time learning fashion, after all, no knowledge is wasted. and who knows? it might be of use someday. i know i was definitely able to help my parents with the business for a while.

i'm really happy now with my decision. and scared. it's like i'm in a constant adrenaline rush... or that i'm overdosed with caffeine everyday. my feelings are exactly depicted in lifehouse's song:

"Looking at you, holding my breath

For once in my life, I'm scared to death

I'm taking a chance letting you inside

I'm feeling alive all over again

As deep as the scar, under my skin

Like being in love, she says, for the first time

Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right

Where I belong with you tonight

Like being in love to feel for the first time"

it hit me that if you combine all the days that i'm actually going to be here in the country before THE day, it's going to amount to barely over a month. let's see: next week, we'll be going to macau/hk, then i'll be staying around 5 days here before i leave for the cali for two weeks to fix the paperworks. then, i'll have around another two weeks here again before i leave for bangkok. after around 2-3 weeks, i'll be off.

that barely leaves me time to be sentimental. i'm betting it'll be like a whirlwind and i wouldn't know what hit me until i'm actually there. which is good! because i don't deal well with goodbyes. i don't even want a despidida, like my barkada suggested. no way. it makes a big deal out of things. i'd rather just think of it as going off on vacation for a long time.

all that tv...

reality and truth are somewhat synonymous to each other. since the truth hurts, i therefore conclude that reality is too. that's why one of the best things to do to unwind after a long hard day of reality is to watch tv dramas about other people's messed up lives. you could see it both ways: if your life is dull and blah, you get to watch others live it. or, if your life is complicated, you could always be reminded that you're not the only screw-up out there. (even if it's fictional, for that few hours you spend looking at the boob tube, nothing else matters.)

i've just finished season 3 of grey's. i love it to pieces but one could only take in so much drama so now i'm watching scrubs. same medical stuff, different genre. i still have so many shows on hold that i'm going to list them down and actually go through it one by one.

1. scrubs (still in season 1)
2. the o.c. (stuck in the middle of season 4 because of a faulty dvd)
3. hana yori dango (stuck in the middle of season 2)
4. ugly betty (season 2)
5. heroes (season 2)
6. the hills (season 1)
7. the coffee prince (2nd episode in youtube)
8. tokyo friends (still needs subs)

and here are the shows i plan to watch/ d/l after i finish those listed above:

- grey's anatomy (season 4)
- witch yoo hee
- how i met your mother
- one tree hill
- pushing daisies
- newport beach

fish, anyone?

fight depression by eating more fish. moods are directly influenced by fish oil. studies have shown that if you have a diet rich in fish, chances are your serotonin levels are high as well. serotonin is a feel-good hormone released by the brain…

that was in the fitness lifestyle section of the inquirer the other day. i was in the middle of my daily morning ritual of breakfast, hot chocolate and newspaper-reading when i felt a very cartoony light bulb light up on top of my head.

so that’s it! i just have to eat more fish. no, scratch that, i just have to eat fish. no wonder i felt like i was having more bouts of depression than the usual person. it might also be just all in my head but this actually makes sense.

hmm… maybe i’ll do just that. i’m trying to start living a healthier lifestyle. i’ve been sleeping very late and breaking out in the process, eating junk the whole day and just not getting enough exercise. after all, how I treat my body now will show in the next few years, if not in the present.

seriously, i don't want to look 40 when i'm 30. and you know that might become reality soon when the waitress actually pauses for a few minutes, trying to decide whether to give the check to you or your mother and ends up handing it over to you. (yowza!)

yep. healthy. that's the only way to go from now on.

i kid you not

my sister's boyfriend said that i was his favorite among her sibling.

his reason? "because she's weird."

lol!

hello, goodbye

"... you do a little growing up everytime you let go..."

that line was part of a text someone sent me a couple of months ago and it stuck to my head.

there are different kinds of goodbyes. there are the casual ones like when you hang up the phone or leave a party. in these scenarios, goodbyes are said more of as a gesture and a greeting. then, there are the difficult ones: a death of a loved one, a break-up, or leaving the familiar (like graduation, migrating). these are the goodbyes that almost always hurts. sometimes, it hurts like hell and you can't imagine how you're going to climb out of that neverending pit of depression. there are others that are the good hurt. like the hurt you feel when you have surgery to take out a tumor. it hurts a lot too, but you know that it fixes things. it makes you better.

in counting crows' "big yellow taxi", there's a line that says, "don't know what you've got till it's gone". it's true. things are just naturally there and sometimes, we take them for granted, thinking it'll always be there since it always has been. of course, we can't be naturally conscious all the time that's why when that thing is gone, there's only an empty space where it once has been. that's when we notice.

my mom and i spent the whole bangkok trip (aside from our usual routine) talking. about life in general, the future, family, people, me... she said i think too much. i try to analyze and nit-pick on every single detail that it takes over my life. she said i'm too "emo." (that's her new favorite word: emo. she even has this certain matching facial expression and intonation when she says it: "e... mo." it's hilarious!)

i told her that i've been that way lately because i've always been idealistic. as a kid, life and the future for me was like this treasure chest that you can't open till you graduate from high school. you fantasize about all the goodies and wonderful surprises it holds for you. it builds up, you get incredibly excited--so much that waiting and preparing for that day becomes your life. you create expectations that upon finally opening it, it never really measures up to what's in your mind and you suddenly don't know. what's the point of everything then?

okay... so i'm kinda veering off topic. what i'm trying to say is that i realized a lot of things while i was away. that the leaving i'm about to do is actually more than i might be prepared to handle. by leaving, i'm also saying goodbye to my childhood. to comfort and security and the only life i've known. no turning back.

but i'm decided. no details yet, and i doubt i'll be broadcasting it to people. it'll happen when it'll happen. although knowing now that this is it, this is going to be real soon, made me see and experience everything a little differently. i'm more aware and i'm appreciating every detail of my life now. it's like my senses are heightened. i'm happy and sad and excited and scared... and even if i still go routinal days, it isn't because i know it's not going to be the same next time.

life is all about hello's and goodbye's. nothing lasts forever. every moment passed is already a goodbye in itself. you could never have that back and knowing this makes us relish everything more. you do grow up everytime you let go. good or bad, you're moving forward and you learn something new everytime.

i think i'm ready.

inuman session # 2

i wasn't supposed to be going out tonight. i was supposed to pack and do my research because i'll be losing four precious decision-making days. but i went out anyway and stayed out longer than i should've.

september was really break-up season. must be that 6-month-post-graduation itch. seriously, i have a theory that maybe at this point in time, people my age are all going their separate ways, trying to figure out what their niche is in this world and more often than not, it doesn't really include the plans of their significant other.

it's a time of being selfish and unselfish. of letting go and letting be. you want to hold on but you can't. you want it to work out but it doesn't. in a way, you know it's inevitable, even if it hurts. and alcohol... well, alcohol could only do so much. it's the band aid to a bullet hole.

yeterday's mini "inuman session" was about future plans (and avoiding the hot seat). last night's was more of the aforementioned.

i got asked why i have been SSB and well, i really didn't know how to answer. i had preoccupations i guess. i haven't really thought about it. "why? are you the type of person who wants your first to be the one?"

it got me thinking: isn't the whole point of being in a relationship because there's a possibility of the person being the one? why waste time, effort and energy with someone just because? why hurt yourself over and over and over again when a single break-up already hurts so bad and takes a very long time to recover from?

i know it's really more complicated than that. we're only human after all. we feel. we can't help but let our emotions be in control. underneath it all, everyone just wants to love and be loved, understand and be understood. we cling to the people who show us even a glimpse of that and we throw all caution to the wind with a small hope that just in case, for once, life or fate could be in our side.

when it doesn't work out, we get cynical and hurt. but we're here to make our own mistakes. we grow and learn from experience. i don't believe that one could completely heal when the damage was done. after all, like jom said, it's easier to forgive than forget. we can't erase what already happened. we could choose to let go, lock up the memories and then move on with our lives. it's a cycle. sure, we're bound to get hurt again and we learn how to deal again as it comes. that's all we could do. deal. time and life doesn't wait for anyone to be okay before it presents another complication. you just have to keep up.

but we're young, and there's still a whole world of possibilities out there. hurt and sadness is unavoidable. it's a certainty. but so are happiness and all the other good stuff. i think that's what makes all the good stuff more valuable. like you wouldn't know light if it isn't for darkness, we wouldn't be able to value love and relationships if we don't know how fragile and complicated it is.

so yeah, to answer the question, if i were to go into a relationship with someone, i'd be thinking of and treating him as likely to be the one. but i'm not closing off the possibility that he might not be. still, what the heck? i'm too young to be this serious!

at my wit's end

who would've thought that the girl with the plan--the very same girl who left a great 4-year institution based on idealism and to "conquer the world before turning 25"--is now stuck with a mind that is "all over the place"?

i do not know what to do.

okay. so maybe that's not exactly true. there are two sure things i want to do: get away from here and start college all over again. that's it. nothing specific. it's my non-plan plan. figured that i'll just find things out once i'm away from here. unfortunately, it doesn't work that way with parents. if i'm going to leave, i have to present to them a fool-proof future plan. which i'm seriously working on for the past few days. it's so wrong. how could you create a plan for the rest of your life in just a week or so? then again, i've been like this for a year now so i can't have excuses anymore.

when the last of my nylon subscription arrived yesterday, i grew all giddy and immediately pounced on it like someone who hasn't eaten in months and is now presented with a splendid buffet. i thought at that moment, maybe i'll be saved. maybe there is hope for me and fashion after all.

but browsing through it, i just realized that i didn't care. i didn't care about cover girl cory kennedy and what she does in her life. i don't care that there's a new interesting boutique in nyc. i don't care to see what the artsy indie people are wearing... if all else failed, whenever i felt like giving up on fashion, nylon magazines always uplifts my spirits and makes me want to do great things, to be part of it, to work towards a goal in the fashion/writing industry.

now, it's just... empty.

qtl crisis

i'm sick. i'm usually the first to catch something--being sickly and all--and when everyone around me started getting coughs and colds, i knew it was only a matter of time before i did too. now i have it. and (sorry nic) but i'm not going to take any medicine. i prefer to heal the natural way. i don't want to depend on drugs too much.

it didn't help that i ate ice cream after screaming my voice hoarse in the admu-dlsu game last sunday and that my dinner tonight consisted of a whole bag of wasabi-flavored popcorn and iced tea. masochist much? yeah... i know.

there's so much going on in my head right now but it's a comfort to know that this is normal. the quarter-life thing? everyone goes through with it. in fact, i've been looking for books, trying to watch shows that could help me deal. there's this one book i stumbled upon online called "it's a wonderful lie: 26 truths about life in your 20's" by emily franklin that i so want to buy. megan maccafferty contributed there and since i'm a huge jessica darling fan, i'm curious on what she has to say. her "fourth comings" book couldn't've come out at a more perfect time. it was like some of my thoughts realized in hardcover. very enlightening!

i'm currently obsessed with personality tests. it's october now and the pressure is back on. i'm more determined than ever to "know myself" to help me make the best choices for the future. i took a test based on the myers-briggs one over the internet a while ago and discovered that i am an INFJ person (whatever that is). i looked it up and i should say that it's the closest one can get to defining/ justifying me. freaky.

what dreams are made of

ironically, after talking about dreams the whole night, i had one last night. you know, the too-good-to-be-true dreams that turns out to be bad because you wake up and find out it's not real.

waking up becomes agony.