divisoria

of all the days to go fabric-buying in divisoria, i had to procrastinate until today.

my pants are splattered with questionable scum (i can't even call it "mud") from knee down and i stink of fish/urine and whatever else that composes that gag-inducing stench--the signature smell of divisoria in the rain.

the bad news is, i have to go back again next week since it's so hard to decide on the spot. everytime you feel a fabric or look around the stall, the vendors immediately pounce at you.

"ano yoooon?", "ano hinahanap niyo?", "gusto niyo yan?"

and even if you try to ignore or not let yourself be pressured, you can't help but be.

the good news is, i could now start cutting/sewing my second outfit. yes, SECOND. i still have two more to go and it's due next week.

so tired as i am, i'm going to force myself out of this chair and start working again.

that is, after i have my monthly dose of nylon. i ABSOLUTELY LOVE that magazine. i'm going to apply for an internship there one day. (haha! dream on!)

a song addiction

exag!!! i too can't get enough of "closer to you" by the wallflowers.

i've had it on repeat this morning while i was sewing--the first song today--and that was the last song i heard last night, which i placed on repeat again for like half an hour... and the night before... and the night before... (not to mention the days before!)

i heard it the second time around last saturday at raymond/jomar/bibbo's party at ankies. i didn't know whose ipod it was, and i remember that when this song played, i got goosebumps and i started singing "to yooooouuuuu..." along with the others. it was awfully familiar but no one knew the song. i asked jess and she said it was by the wallflowers.

then flashback, at the time i fetched or dropped off anne a few months back. she plugged her ipod into my fm transmittor in the car and she told me to listen to "the sexiest song ever."

the first time i heard it, it was a pretty good song but i didn't think much of it. the second time, it just... blew me away. anne laughed when i texted her that. i told her i couldn't come up with another term on how it made me feel. of course, maybe the tipsiness helped a bit.

the song is like a gentle whisper to your ear while you're lying in bed, missing or thinking about someone. you want to just hold on to it, to capture it and make it real but all you could do is let it wash over you and listen to it over and over again until you sleep.

that's the best way i could describe what that song evokes.

in the zone

as i told lor, i'm "in the zone" already. which means i'm actually excited to working on my grad collection for the fashion show. i was on a roll last night, having almost-finished 2 patterns in one go.

must be the espresso too. i wasn't able to get much sleep at all last night even if my body was so exhausted.

i finally figured out why i've been breaking out lately. and by that i really mean BREAKING OUT--all caps and in bold. i've never had a pimple breakout this bad even way back in puberty. it's horrible. i'm praying this'd all be gone before my birthday and the show on september.

it's because of those damn pattern paper. it's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it.

tomorrow, my parents are going to sit me down and talk to me about the US plans. i'm scared. i'm so sure it'd be like a thesis defense and i have to prepare answers for the interrogation.

problem is, my mindset is on collection mode right now and i can't finalize everything yet.

the first christmas jingle

every year, i take note of the first time i hear a christmas song.

this year, it was the first day of august, at an AM station my mom was listening to in the bathroom.

a giant leap

lately, i've been having bipolar tendencies. i could be extremely up and excited in the morning and then down in the dumps in the afternoon. it's like the weather. it's freaky.

i'm scared of losing this newfound enthusiasm i have on life again. i haven't even thought about the cons yet and i've already reached a decision. sometimes, those doubts and fears start to creep in and it scares me. i hope it doesn't paralyze me.

that's why it has to be on january. not may, not september. may is more practical, but i have to do it asap before i lose my nerve. i don't want to have any more reason to stay, and the longer it is, the harder it gets. it might be easier after christmas and new year so i'll still be high from the holidays.

maybe i'm being impractical and undecided, but i'd rather gamble the next five years "soul-searching" than be practical now and spend the rest of my life feeling unfulfilled.

lazy days

there is no point in setting an alarm clock.

i've been trying to get up early these past few days to work on my collection because i could only bring myself to work late at night and early mornings. but i NEVER wake up on the alarm. thus, i end up procrastinating everything i need to accomplish for the day.

i hate not being able to discipline myself and for being such a lazy ass when for the past few months, all i wanted was to have something to busy myself with.

i have to have one finished outfit for tomorrow. i haven't even bought the fabric nor finished the pattern yet. haaaaay!

the product of overthinking

"london?" my mom asked. "why london?"

"why not london? why not lisbon? or lincoln, nebraska? that's my point! by choosing one option, i'm closing myself off to all the others that might be even better. i'm afraid of making the wrong decision. i'm afraid that the mistakes i made now in my twenties will lead to decades of regret." -from "Fourth Comings" by Megan McCafferty


it's uncanny how everything that spews out of jessica darling's mouth... or rather, most of what she sets in paper in this book and previous ones, mirrors what i'm going through. her thoughts are more collected than mine though so i pointed out that last paragraph for my mom to read to sum up everything i've been trying to (badly) explain to her these past few days. i couldn't have conjured a more precise way of expressing what i felt so i just let the words speak for itself.

i've been talking with my mom about plans lately because i know my friends are sick and tired of hearing me being so undecided. she said i think too much.

i have a theory that a person who loves writing is an overthinker. every little issue is scrutinized. everything has to have reason and a conclusion, just like how prose always has a conflict and a solution. sometimes, in the extent of having to unravel how something came to be, every possibility is considered until what goes inside the mind ends up becoming far from its reality that you either sound ridiculous or extremely uptight and paranoid. and you always have to get to the bottom of things. nothing left unfinished. it's hard to let go and just let things be.

(that's how i'm justifying my behavior the past few months.)

anyways...

things are FINALLY making sense and starting to fall into place. i think i know what i want and have to do. but since it's too early and i might just jinx this plan, i'm just going to shut up for now and work on it step-by-step.

i don't even want to consider the enormous consequences if and when i decide to push through with this. this is the only way i see myself as going forward and i am not going to feel bad or guilty about it. no more.

sometimes, it's better to just take the plunge.

on becoming a hermit

i'm putting myself in what anne calls a "self-imposed exile".

for those who know me and have been wondering why it takes me so long to reply to texts that i end up forgetting to nowadays, why i haven't gone online in ym since God-knows-when, why i haven't really been seeing anyone and i've been turning down chances to go out--even on weekends (*shock*)...

there you have it.

i'm repairing my bubble.

bangkok baby

i just came back from bangkok and now i find that i can't wait for october when i'd be going back.

going abroad is always, always inspiring. you return feeling refreshed, having let go and with a new zest for life.