inuman session # 2

i wasn't supposed to be going out tonight. i was supposed to pack and do my research because i'll be losing four precious decision-making days. but i went out anyway and stayed out longer than i should've.

september was really break-up season. must be that 6-month-post-graduation itch. seriously, i have a theory that maybe at this point in time, people my age are all going their separate ways, trying to figure out what their niche is in this world and more often than not, it doesn't really include the plans of their significant other.

it's a time of being selfish and unselfish. of letting go and letting be. you want to hold on but you can't. you want it to work out but it doesn't. in a way, you know it's inevitable, even if it hurts. and alcohol... well, alcohol could only do so much. it's the band aid to a bullet hole.

yeterday's mini "inuman session" was about future plans (and avoiding the hot seat). last night's was more of the aforementioned.

i got asked why i have been SSB and well, i really didn't know how to answer. i had preoccupations i guess. i haven't really thought about it. "why? are you the type of person who wants your first to be the one?"

it got me thinking: isn't the whole point of being in a relationship because there's a possibility of the person being the one? why waste time, effort and energy with someone just because? why hurt yourself over and over and over again when a single break-up already hurts so bad and takes a very long time to recover from?

i know it's really more complicated than that. we're only human after all. we feel. we can't help but let our emotions be in control. underneath it all, everyone just wants to love and be loved, understand and be understood. we cling to the people who show us even a glimpse of that and we throw all caution to the wind with a small hope that just in case, for once, life or fate could be in our side.

when it doesn't work out, we get cynical and hurt. but we're here to make our own mistakes. we grow and learn from experience. i don't believe that one could completely heal when the damage was done. after all, like jom said, it's easier to forgive than forget. we can't erase what already happened. we could choose to let go, lock up the memories and then move on with our lives. it's a cycle. sure, we're bound to get hurt again and we learn how to deal again as it comes. that's all we could do. deal. time and life doesn't wait for anyone to be okay before it presents another complication. you just have to keep up.

but we're young, and there's still a whole world of possibilities out there. hurt and sadness is unavoidable. it's a certainty. but so are happiness and all the other good stuff. i think that's what makes all the good stuff more valuable. like you wouldn't know light if it isn't for darkness, we wouldn't be able to value love and relationships if we don't know how fragile and complicated it is.

so yeah, to answer the question, if i were to go into a relationship with someone, i'd be thinking of and treating him as likely to be the one. but i'm not closing off the possibility that he might not be. still, what the heck? i'm too young to be this serious!