hello, goodbye

"... you do a little growing up everytime you let go..."

that line was part of a text someone sent me a couple of months ago and it stuck to my head.

there are different kinds of goodbyes. there are the casual ones like when you hang up the phone or leave a party. in these scenarios, goodbyes are said more of as a gesture and a greeting. then, there are the difficult ones: a death of a loved one, a break-up, or leaving the familiar (like graduation, migrating). these are the goodbyes that almost always hurts. sometimes, it hurts like hell and you can't imagine how you're going to climb out of that neverending pit of depression. there are others that are the good hurt. like the hurt you feel when you have surgery to take out a tumor. it hurts a lot too, but you know that it fixes things. it makes you better.

in counting crows' "big yellow taxi", there's a line that says, "don't know what you've got till it's gone". it's true. things are just naturally there and sometimes, we take them for granted, thinking it'll always be there since it always has been. of course, we can't be naturally conscious all the time that's why when that thing is gone, there's only an empty space where it once has been. that's when we notice.

my mom and i spent the whole bangkok trip (aside from our usual routine) talking. about life in general, the future, family, people, me... she said i think too much. i try to analyze and nit-pick on every single detail that it takes over my life. she said i'm too "emo." (that's her new favorite word: emo. she even has this certain matching facial expression and intonation when she says it: "e... mo." it's hilarious!)

i told her that i've been that way lately because i've always been idealistic. as a kid, life and the future for me was like this treasure chest that you can't open till you graduate from high school. you fantasize about all the goodies and wonderful surprises it holds for you. it builds up, you get incredibly excited--so much that waiting and preparing for that day becomes your life. you create expectations that upon finally opening it, it never really measures up to what's in your mind and you suddenly don't know. what's the point of everything then?

okay... so i'm kinda veering off topic. what i'm trying to say is that i realized a lot of things while i was away. that the leaving i'm about to do is actually more than i might be prepared to handle. by leaving, i'm also saying goodbye to my childhood. to comfort and security and the only life i've known. no turning back.

but i'm decided. no details yet, and i doubt i'll be broadcasting it to people. it'll happen when it'll happen. although knowing now that this is it, this is going to be real soon, made me see and experience everything a little differently. i'm more aware and i'm appreciating every detail of my life now. it's like my senses are heightened. i'm happy and sad and excited and scared... and even if i still go routinal days, it isn't because i know it's not going to be the same next time.

life is all about hello's and goodbye's. nothing lasts forever. every moment passed is already a goodbye in itself. you could never have that back and knowing this makes us relish everything more. you do grow up everytime you let go. good or bad, you're moving forward and you learn something new everytime.

i think i'm ready.