the product of overthinking

"london?" my mom asked. "why london?"

"why not london? why not lisbon? or lincoln, nebraska? that's my point! by choosing one option, i'm closing myself off to all the others that might be even better. i'm afraid of making the wrong decision. i'm afraid that the mistakes i made now in my twenties will lead to decades of regret." -from "Fourth Comings" by Megan McCafferty


it's uncanny how everything that spews out of jessica darling's mouth... or rather, most of what she sets in paper in this book and previous ones, mirrors what i'm going through. her thoughts are more collected than mine though so i pointed out that last paragraph for my mom to read to sum up everything i've been trying to (badly) explain to her these past few days. i couldn't have conjured a more precise way of expressing what i felt so i just let the words speak for itself.

i've been talking with my mom about plans lately because i know my friends are sick and tired of hearing me being so undecided. she said i think too much.

i have a theory that a person who loves writing is an overthinker. every little issue is scrutinized. everything has to have reason and a conclusion, just like how prose always has a conflict and a solution. sometimes, in the extent of having to unravel how something came to be, every possibility is considered until what goes inside the mind ends up becoming far from its reality that you either sound ridiculous or extremely uptight and paranoid. and you always have to get to the bottom of things. nothing left unfinished. it's hard to let go and just let things be.

(that's how i'm justifying my behavior the past few months.)

anyways...

things are FINALLY making sense and starting to fall into place. i think i know what i want and have to do. but since it's too early and i might just jinx this plan, i'm just going to shut up for now and work on it step-by-step.

i don't even want to consider the enormous consequences if and when i decide to push through with this. this is the only way i see myself as going forward and i am not going to feel bad or guilty about it. no more.

sometimes, it's better to just take the plunge.