the peter pan syndrome

three questions i dread hearing:

1. what are your plans? you're leaving? where? when? how? why?
2. so what are you doing now?
3. are you okay? *with the head tilt*

to which, i would just shut up and self-combust.

okay, truth be told, i've been in limbo for far too long. and yes, i'm doing something/ planning something, but i can't say anything yet because it's not final and there's a finality in saying something out loud.

besides, i always do end up saying something and then changing my mind again and again. it's embarassing but i'm a fickle-minded person and even if i may seem composed on the outside, inside, it's utter chaos. so i'd rather not for now. (on second thought, i don't think i'll really say anything. there's a certain thrill in just planning something secretly then one day, poof! you're gone. no one knows until you send a postcard back that says "hola!" from mexico.)

as for what i'm doing? yes, i'm. a. bum. i sleep, eat, watch tv, read books, talk with friends, think. i'm not proud of it honestly, but it's only temporary. and again, i just need... peace of mind. and inspiration.

am i okay? do i seem not? haha. seriously, i'm scared to death. i'm scared of making the wrong life-changing decision. i'm scared of failure. and i'm realizing so many things right now about, well, being an adult that i'm in denial about being one.

they say that time heals all wounds. i used to believe it did. but now, i'm realizing that it doesn't completely. you just grow up and learn to deal. or become numb, as jov would say. or you get used to it. you know... all the sadness, the hurt, the not-so-good side of life. time doesn't erase the fact that these things happen so you're still scarred. even if it does get better.

but i'd like to end this on a positive note. at least we're not alone. and that there are great friends out there who'll help us deal. and somehow, someway, soon everything will fall into place and make sense at last.

snippets of conversation on a saturday afternoon

“It’s not the matter of not knowing what I want to do. It’s just that I want to do SO MUCH. So much that I don’t know what to choose. Back in high school, I used to believe we could do everything. But now, I’m realizing that you just can’t. You can do anything you put your whole self into, just not everything. Or you could do a little bit of this, a little bit of that… But you’ll be like slashes. ‘Musician-slash-writer-slash-chef’. You won’t be able to really excel in one thing...”

“You know, I realize that those who become really great? The musicians I admire? Most of them started really poor, down-in-the-dumps. It’s like they could gamble everything because they already have nothing to lose.”

“Exactly. The thing is, sure, even if I believe that when we want something, we do all we can to make it happen. But in our culture, we really have to consider our family, etc. It’s not like we live on an island and we could be selfish and do whatever we want without thinking of how it would affect others.”

“If there’s one thing in the world that you would do, really want to do, even if you aren’t paid for it, what would it be?”

“Write,” I said without missing a beat.

“Then that’s what you need to do,” Anne said.

after show

IT'S OVEEEEER!!!!!!!!

*collapse*

......

just kidding! i already spent the whole day sleeping. more than 12 hours since i dropped into bed last night. i felt like a fly in one of those sticky fly trap things. i couldn't pull myself out even if i wanted to. ate breakfast, took a looooooooong shower, watched "factory girl" on dvd, played guitar heroes with vince who dropped by a bit, and then fell asleep on the couch again.

the show went great! i was freaking out earlier because i was afraid that the pink bustier would pop off (because i had to re-handstitch the zippers that same afternoon) or my avant garde and gown (being tube dresses) would fall off. but the gown fit perfectly on jp and the avant garde didn't fall off rowena. i love my models. they're all so fabulous.

backstage was absolute chaos. the dressing room was tiny! models were just stripping down carelessly, it was a little awkward to look. i had to tear the zipper open on the bustier too because the next designer in line was in a hurry and we were having a hard time removing it from jeane.

but the clothes looked striking onstage. the gown was... wow. despite the fact that it was the most... "madugo" to do and i didn't really expect it to turn out the way it did. sometimes i wish i made something more elaborate like the others did, but then i didn't have the luxury of a sewer and i didn't want to make my life more difficult than it already was. oh well. at least it's wearable. and when i saw the three of them come out, i had goosebumps. all my hard work... right there onstage. it was nice.

thanks to everyone who came and cheered! even if trinoma was so out of the way and were busy or sick. i heard "woohoos" from where i was watching the show from the sides and i smiled, knowing where it came from. i'll be uploading the pictures and semi-clear video my sister took from her new phone soon. (i want one!!)

but i don't know... i don't want to do another fashion show anymore. (i always say that after one.) honestly, i don't think the stress is worth it for me, considering i don't know what to pursue in fashion really. sure, i realize i feel more alive with stress (which is weird) but my body's taking the bulk of it. the day after our birthday party, i barely slept for almost two weeks already (with back-breaking manual labor to top it off) and i felt like i was going to die... seriously. i had a hard time breathing, i was so dizzy and weak. i didn't have the energy to speak and my heart was roaring in my ears. i had to take a 30-minute nap break that morning and i fervently prayed to God that He wouldn't make my heart stop beating yet. THAT scary.

"so what next?" i've been asked that thrice already by different people. the world? haha. i don't want to think about that yet. i'm postponing it to next week. i've had enough of worrying for now.

FOB on friday!!! what a great way to cap off an exhausting week--by screaming, singing and jumping to patrick, PETE, and the rest of the boys!

today

i almost forgot it's my birthday...

it's just another ordinary day where i'm still furiously cramming last minute stuff for the show tomorrow night.

i wasn't able to finish in time for the judging yesterday. boo hoo.

no sleep marathon

this has been the most STRESSFUL two weeks of my entire life. i started on the collection over a month ago so it annoys me how my parents keep on saying "i told you so"--that i should've started earlier. it's just that i've imposed house arrest on myself during the two weeks and i've done nothing except cut, work, sew all day, all night, 24/7. even when i try to sleep, i keep on worrying about how i'm going to make the patterns for this so-and-so design.

plus, i've been in a daze. seriously! i end up staring at nothing for minutes (kind of falling asleep with my eyes open) and people have to repeat what they say most of the time because it wouldn't register. even my replies are weird sometimes.

but this is the rush: hard manual labor and barely sleeping in 48 hours and counting till tuesday. i'm not complaining. i'm just letting off steam. i'm so exhausted but i kind of secretly love it. i'm masochistic that way. this is where all the adrenaline rushes in buckets and you think of nothing but work, work, work. i hate it, i love it, i just want to get it over and done with but i'm excited. i look so fugly--eyebags and giant pimples galore--, i've barely time to eat or take a loooong bath. right now, i don't care if my collection's blah. i just want to FINISH tonight. *scream*

and to think that all this hard hard work for just 5 minutes of exposure... yet the most fulfilling 5 minutes of an aspiring fashion designer's career.

ladies and gentlemen, this is fashion. *bow*

a letter

dear internet,

i'm sorry i've neglected you. it's been too long... but i'm swamped with a gazillion things to finish before friday. i don't even plan to sleep or eat anymore. and i plan to tie myself to the chair in front of my sewing machine so i won't get distracted.

but don't worry. you're not the only one. i also haven't touched my pile of unread books, my growing pile of dvds and i barely open the tv or have time to look at my cellphone anymore. i barely even have time to acknowledge people in the house. it's like i have my own little world where nothing matters except drafting, cutting and sewing. drafting, cutting, sewing--like the mice in cinderella.

sure, i cheat a little. like going online now and i watch two episode of friends when i feel like i'm about to go absolutely mad from exhaustion. i am so sick of my ipod but i'd rather play the songs over and over again than have silence.

alright. this should do it. now back to work!

love,
sam

emo-ness

last night, after a particularly exhausting post-pattern-making session, i lay down on the floor, amidst scattered pattern papers, bobby pins and rulers, and just stared at the ceiling. my ipod was playing "chasing cars".

"if i lay here, if i just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?"

then i remembered a particular line sarah jessica parker said in satc: "i'm lonely. the loneliness is palpable."

i don't want to be.

wake me up when september ends

i had this phase a few months back where i got so sick of fashion design, i didn't know what to do anymore. but right now, working on this collection makes me feel... alive again.

granted, i know i can't make a career out of this. why? because i love designing, period. i love the creative freedom design gives me but in order to sell, one has to "conform" or compromise with public opinion. and when the designs are as kooky as mine, it's going to be hard to.

now that the US plans are in the works, (i told my parents to give me until october to decide everything since i can't concentrate on anything else right now) i'm rethinking everything again. i'm so frustrated and i know the people whom i regularly talk to about these things are also getting to be. ano ba talaga?!! i can't decide. i want to do so much but i don't know what to focus on.

i want to make it right this time. i don't want the same thing that happened before to happen again. jem and nic were talking about my "escapism" tendencies and i'm not denying that fault. i know i have to grow up soon and idealistic as i am, i can't be anymore.

when i leave, i want to have all my affairs in order. meaning, i can't just drop everything--loose ends and all--because it's too much for me to deal. i want to make sure that the reason for my decision has been carefully planned and thought of, not simply because of a spontaneous spark of inspiration. sure, it may be a good idea at the start, but a reckless one as time passes. i have to have a follow-through.

waitaminute... do i even want to leave?

so.................

*sigh*

i have until october.