wake me up when september ends

i had this phase a few months back where i got so sick of fashion design, i didn't know what to do anymore. but right now, working on this collection makes me feel... alive again.

granted, i know i can't make a career out of this. why? because i love designing, period. i love the creative freedom design gives me but in order to sell, one has to "conform" or compromise with public opinion. and when the designs are as kooky as mine, it's going to be hard to.

now that the US plans are in the works, (i told my parents to give me until october to decide everything since i can't concentrate on anything else right now) i'm rethinking everything again. i'm so frustrated and i know the people whom i regularly talk to about these things are also getting to be. ano ba talaga?!! i can't decide. i want to do so much but i don't know what to focus on.

i want to make it right this time. i don't want the same thing that happened before to happen again. jem and nic were talking about my "escapism" tendencies and i'm not denying that fault. i know i have to grow up soon and idealistic as i am, i can't be anymore.

when i leave, i want to have all my affairs in order. meaning, i can't just drop everything--loose ends and all--because it's too much for me to deal. i want to make sure that the reason for my decision has been carefully planned and thought of, not simply because of a spontaneous spark of inspiration. sure, it may be a good idea at the start, but a reckless one as time passes. i have to have a follow-through.

waitaminute... do i even want to leave?

so.................

*sigh*

i have until october.