the sweet escape?

last night, i met up with meryll, one of my "china-friends" who just returned from her studies in beijing. it didn't hit me how fast those five months actually were. i told her that in that “short” span of time, i had been on a seemingly unending emotional and psychological roller coaster ride. it’s amazing I’m still in one piece.

not at peace. just one piece.

we exchanged stories. hers were about bungee-jumping, learning korean and her new international friendships. great stuff. mine was about… well, the remaining unwanted baggage that i can’t seem to get rid of.

but it was refreshing to have a different perspective. on life. on people. until we talked about our future plans. it’s always that “future talk” that stops me because i’m in a really gray area right now. i got “future-o-phobia” as a result of being overloaded by pressure and thoughts for the past few months.

i tell her, as i do to anyone who asks, of my grand plans of leaving the country. just “i plan to go away” or “study abroad” then dot-dot-dot. sometimes i say to work or intern or to study. fashion? most probably. maybe creative writing/journalism. or even linguistics or fashion business or anything that's promising.

don’t get me wrong. i love this country but it’s just something i have to do. i owe it to myself to. i know this might sound cliché but i need to find myself—now more than ever. and i know by staying here, it's like cheating. here, i’m in a bubble of comfort, living a life that’s not completely “by” me. decisions are made because it’s what should be. things are done how they are always done.

some people are content with the simple life. work, have a family and live comfortable. i could have that if i wanted it. if only i did, i wouldn’t be so hard on myself and complicating my life.

i may eat my words one day, but deep down, i know i won't be content if i do. just like my uncle, who, after college, bought a ticket to new york with very little money, slept on park benches and ate nothing on some days, worked as a pizza delivery boy and lived on the "refunds" he got with returning discarded items to stores. he finally landed a job in a computer company, worked hard, got really successful--even if he did quit eventually and started a small business of his own in the suburbs with his family.

life is hard and lonely until now, he admitted. but he’s a self-made man and i admire him for it. i don't think he would've done it any other way.

i remember a conversation with nic a few days ago. i mentioned how exciting it would be to be alone in a sea of complete strangers, where no one knows you, cares about or judges you. you could start a new life, build yourself up, challenge yourself to the limit. as masochist as this may sound, it’s true.

admittedly, i also have other reasons for wanting to leave. see, if i can’t deal with something, i explode, shut down and escape. i can't handle another "explosion" right now... it's too much. maybe, escaping from my unsolved problems won’t solve anything, but at least i’ll be distracted enough until, i'm hoping one day, it would just not bother me anymore.